By Hazimah Sukri
Imagine being extra happy, jumping here and there, socialising with a lot of people, all of a sudden, you feel extremely mad or sad for no reason and feel like shutting down from everything. Well, that is what those diagnosed with bipolar disorder feel like.
Bipolar Disorder (BD) also known as manic depression is the fourth most common mental health problem worldwide after depression, anxiety and schizophrenia. The main symptoms are extreme high and low moods, changes in their sleep patterns and energy, the way they think and their behaviour which may last for several weeks.
There are three main types of Bipolar Disorder – Bipolar I disorder, Bipolar II disorder, Cyclothymic disorder. They are diagnosed based on the symptoms and the duration of mania, hypermania and depressive episode. (To read more: https://wb.md/3cvXMoC)
In conjunction to the World Bipolar Day, let me share with you a glimpse of how it feels to have constant battles of emotions daily.
Having bipolar makes me feel like I am two different persons. When I am in a hypermania episode, I could be so energetic that I will not be able to sleep at night and yet I could still continue the next day without feeling tired. There were so many ideas in my head that I felt like pouring everything out and I felt like I could do anything all at once. During this phase, I felt invincible. I did not care about what people said and I will just do what I wanted to do.
When the depressive episode came by, it felt like my body and mind had consumed all the negativities around me which made me extremely tired and worthless. Sometimes, even a something small could make me so mad that I would just shut myself away.
I did not understand as to why this is happening. I used to think that there must be a reason for this sudden change but unable to point out any major triggers. During this phase, I pushed everyone away and it affected my relationship especially with the people I love.
Not being able to socialise with other people during the pandemic had worsened the situation. I could not focus to do any daily activities because my mind was everywhere. I felt pathetic for not being able to strive in my studies, not being able to be a good friend and a good daughter at the same time.
I questioned myself on how I could be so happy and energetic at one point until it made me felt like I was faking myself during those days even though I knew I was genuinely happy back then.
This cycle repeats every month and was really bothering me. After a few months passed, I told myself that I needed to get help as this is not what the normal me would have done. There must be something else that changed me.
I made my first step by going to the government clinic and was referred to a psychiatrist immediately. That was when I was diagnosed as someone with Bipolar II Disorder. The doctor explained to me everything and that was when I understood myself better. I was given a few mindfulness exercises to avoid extreme changes in my mood.
Even though the struggles continued, I was able to manage my emotions better with the help of medication, my supportive family and friends. I started practicing good habits in my daily life such as maintaining a healthy diet, having a regular sleep pattern, doing journaling and many more. Alhamdulillah, I became more aware of myself and my surroundings.
My point is, having bipolar disorder is not something to be frightened of. It does not reduce your worth and there is no shame in treating yourself by taking medication. Yes, we can still have extreme mood swings occasionally but if we understand how to handle it, we could really reduce the impact of it towards our daily lives. Also, it is okay to seek help from professionals and not to forget to seek help from Allah S.W.T.
Know that, every cloud has a silver lining and every problem has a solution. You are not alone and you are capable of doing so much more. I share my story because I am #BipolarStrong. Let us break the stigma together and spread awareness to others.***