Beyond wisdom: My marriage as a student

By Aaisyah Sophia          

Getting married while still studying needs a lot of support, courage and balance. I got married in 2017 to a guy whose age was six years apart from me when I was 23.

When I was young, I was a person who opposed the idea of getting married while still studying because I was worried if I could not handle the pressure or balance in my life.

Realising that I was not from a wealthy family, I had to study diligently and occupy my leisure time with the university curriculum’s activities. My parents were very lovely, yet they were also very strict whom I should be friends with. I would say that they also helped me to filter which guy I should be in love with.

Everything went well as planned, however, Allah was a great Planner to all of His creations. At the early stage of my friendship with my husband he took all the courage.

He went to see my parents asking permission to be among my close friends and asked them if he had a chance to make me as his wife in the future. As expected, my parents rejected him and advised me to finish my studies first.

I understood that my parents were concerned about my future, thus, I could not blame them for rejecting him in the first place.  I was the one who opposed the idea of getting married while studying when I was young and I was worried thinking of what will happen to my future.

Will I be able to focus on my studies, parents, curricular activities in the university, and also fulfilling my responsibility to my younger sister?

I should not get married just because it was merely a trend or used the common reason in which as a platform to protect me from adultery. Personally, I humbly opined that marriage is more than a sacred covenant with our other half. Marriage is a family institution that acquires various responsibilities to start a new family with new environment and commitment which involved two different parties.

I was literally not ready to confront any of these.

Among My Engagement Trials

However, Allah S.W.T made the journey easy for him. After all the continuous efforts and a few struggles, we got engaged two weeks before my father passed away due to heart failure. I lost my biggest supporter and savior when I needed someone to talk to.

I was having my final examination when my father passed away and I could not focus to continue the remaining final papers.  My mother, younger sister and the fiancée (now my husband) gave me all the support to keep my life going because the hereafter was what we should aim for, they said.

He was not a close friend of mine and we barely knew each other. I fully utilised our engagement of two years to get to know him and family better, where I started to develop more mutual understanding with him and to know, most  importantly, my responsibilities towards the family.

Student and Marriage

A number of friends and relatives asked me how was the life after marriage? Why should I get married early without finishing my studies first?

Some of them even told me how I would fail my parents because of the marriage while studying. I understood that they were just showing their concerns about my future.

One thing for sure, Allah S.W.T made life after marriage slightly easier for me. For example, when I needed to complete my assignment out of campus until mid-night, I have a husband to accompany and protect me which also helps me overcome my anxiety when I was in public.

Also, when I always wanted to follow the trendy hijabi styles, I have a husband who constantly reminded me to watch for my aurah, which I have to please Allah instead of other people. As a wife, I have to obey him as it is not opposing the syariah. I am thankful to Allah, and everything that happened was beyond my wisdom.

A husband is not only the one who gives you dowry for the fancy wedding, but also a great guy who can lead the family, and treat her with respect. A husband is also someone responsible to give his wife maintenance (nafkah) in terms of meals, education, medicines, and the list goes on.

Hadith Riwayat Ahmad (995) narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “A dinar which you spend for the sake of Allah, a dinar which you spend on freeing a slave, a dinar which you give in charity to a poor person, and a dinar which you spend on your family – the greatest of these is the reward that which you spend on your family.”

The Storms and Shines in Marriage

Among the challenges that I faced at the early stages of my marriage include the adaptation process with the new environment. Throughout the process, conflicts happened and we started to learn to be more tolerant in handling the conflicts.

When conflicts happened, we often discussed it further and came out with a mutual decision instead of fighting over small matters. We also sought advice from our mothers since they had more experience in marriage, when my husband and I could not have mutual understanding to solve some of the problems.

Allah S.W.T has stated in the Holy Quran (Al-Nisa’, verse 35): “And if you fear conflicts between the two, send an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family.

If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].”

Secrets of Long Lasting Marriage

At the early stages of my marriage, I asked some of the baby boomer generation on how to keep the marriage last longer. They shared with me that marriage was not merely about how it will positively or negatively affects you as a student. Being a student was not a problem, but how you will handle yourself as a wife, who preserves the dignity of a husband when he is not around, matters.

In addition, the beauty of marriage is not entirely about all the responsibilities that we have to carry.

It is a mixture of tolerance, patience, family management, life balance, commitment to each other and also to preserve our aqidah as a Muslim (the root of developing good attitudes).

Those are the basics that we need to prioritise. It is also important to complement each other and practise more open communication with our spouse which will definitely help the relationship to remain strong. Storms will sure strike our marriage and I humbly believe that my husband and I have a long way to go which we need to be more persistent in focusing on the responsibilities and keep seeking guidance from Allah.

After all, this life and hereafter belongs to the Almighty, Allah S.W.T. ***

   

 

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